It’s Spring, and after what seems like a flash episode of a first
year at University, (listening to people say stuff you don’t understand or
appreciate yet but mostly just finding yourself i.e. what sub-genre of
underground music you like best, how to roll properly amongst 4-month strong
bff’s), it’s yet again time for our brain capacities to be critically assessed
by the UK’s exam boards. Fantastic.
If you classify under the realm of being ‘normal’ which in its
loose terms means, not being the kind of psychopath that actually works hard in
their first year of University and doesn’t leave 16,000 words til’ a month
before the deadline, you may find yourself beginning to re-evaluate your life
at this point.
I speak from my own experiences here: having the
self-motivation to get out of my government-paid flat to go and read some books
is particularly tasking now my parents only occasionally text the odd ‘work
hard x’, and are no longer leering over me to prevent chain-smoking
procrastination periods consisting of sitting in the clothes I wore to bed last
night whilst crying about how my London life is not what the 14-year-old me had
anticipated.
So, before I attempt to upgrade my draft essays from GCSE to
Undergraduate standard, I’ve compiled a list of a few of the great things you
too could harbour your time with when you should be focusing on your £51,000
indebted higher education:
1. Stalk people you vaguely know on social-media
This one’s probably a no-brainer
for when you’re feeling dissatisfied with your own life. Along with knowing
that you are a fucking sad bastard, this activity comes with its ups –
boosting your self-esteem at finding other people who are bigger melts than
yourself, and downs – crushing you at the sight of other people posting cute
pictures of themselves being happy. Overall, pissing hours of your time up the
wall on the internet may come in handy for conversation starters – through Facebook
you can find out someone’s sexual preferences, what music they like, where
their last lads-on-tour hol was to, who their mum is and what psychological
type their personality falls under. #amazing
2. Take an interest in politics
Yeah, I know right, I too stopped
pretending to enjoy watching Question Time and reading the i newspaper
simultaneously with discovering no-one at my
Arts-college-not-actually-a-University gives a shit. But frankly, trying to
understand the bigger picture can help you feel like a better person when you
can’t understand one degree-level subject in depth. Nevertheless this
procrastination technique also has its benefits and drawbacks, for example, I
take comfort in the fact I am not a fascist/sexist like Nigel Farage (lovin’
the Farage Pour Homme ad in this fortnight’s Private Eye) or the in-denial old
bigot Vladimir Putin, but laughing at these dicks can only go so far when ones
racist party is slowly ebbing its way into our own parliament and the other is
the ruthless leader of one of the most powerful countries in the world. Maybe
leave this activity for a perky day in your month-long trauma, yeah.
3. Watch stuff
At the moment I’ve chosen to re-watch
PhoneShop every time I get the urge to do some work. It’s three series of
exactly what you’d expect, some people working in a phone shop, and sometimes
it’s quite funny. Also, if you’re looking for some summer inspo, Dazed’s first
Music Nation ep. for channel four, Brandy & Coke, was phenomenal. That’s if
you count endless silk Moschino shirts, champagne, and this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5PXdScoOrg
as phenomenal, and why wouldn't you?
4. Eat loads
An old tactic I’m well informed
we’re all familiar with thanks to instagram, but if you can manage to
force-feed yourself a family pack of Walkers meaty assortment without inducing
a ruptured colon, then I say go for it. After all, cramming food into your gob is
a pretty elementary task that can be carried out in front of the work you were
gonna do, therefore leaving you with the allusion that you definitely did
something today. After that, you could spend all your time on a
calorie-counting app on your iPhone, which brings me onto the final
time-absorbing activity…
5. Exercise
This one may sound even less
appealing than the taking an interest in who’s running the country business,
but as someone who lost all hope of finally losing dat muffin-top until
exam dates were announced, I can tell you, running really does relieve some of
the guilt of sitting on your arse for the other 12 hours you’re awake. Best of
all, when you’ve finished you’ll probably be too tired to do any work anyway.
